If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
