She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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