Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
