Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
