How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
