In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
