I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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