Sorry, I don't speak sober.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
