I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
