my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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