my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
