mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We left the knife in your bed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
