I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
