Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
