One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
