my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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