I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
