I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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