update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
