why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
