Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
