currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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