before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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