i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
