Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
