The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
