so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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