FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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