I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
