Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
tonight lets celebrate not being married
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
