3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
