How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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