Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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