I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
