I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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