by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
