i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
