I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
