I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
