I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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