I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize