Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
