I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
