Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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