I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
