Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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