If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Dear god my vagina.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
