Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
