So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
