I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I want a musical about memes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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