I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
