I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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