That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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