and my herpes radar will keep us safe
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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