The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
