god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i already hear my dad disowning me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Barsexuality is the new black.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
