My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
