I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
