Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
