This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
