All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
